How many people actually use their function keys -- you know, those little buttons on your keyboard that go from F1 to F12? We're guessing not many.
So here are some suggestions for functionalities that people would actually use:

[F1: Blocks the Wi-Fi signal that Mr.-Sit-at-the-Best-Seat-at-Starbucks-for-Nine-Hours is using, forcing him to shut down and vacate the premises.

F2: Sends a nasty e-mail to Microsoft execs' personal e-mail box relaying that a Windows bug is about to crash your system and you really appreciate the inconvenience -- again (this could work for any vendor, of course).

F3: Deletes embarrassing Facebook photos of you posted by high school classmates.

F4: Brings up an image of Megan Fox in "Transformers."

F5: Quickly quarantines any guilt-ridden e-mail from your mother and sends automated "Out of Office / Can't Respond for 3 Weeks / Do Not Contact" response.

F6: (See F4) You were just on a website of "questionable" integrity and you might have been infected with spyware-Automatically kills anything on your machine that resembles malware.

F7: (For IT people only) Sends a reply to those less-than-savvy users who send indiscriminate barrages of help-desk e-mails: "Hit restart, genius."

F8: Sets your PC ablaze because it's 8 years old, still running Windows 95 and you just can't take it anymore.

F9: Sends a digital shockwave to the spammer's keyboard who just filled up your inbox with links to purported photos of Megan Fox in "Transformers."

F10: Kills any Apple DRM feature.

F11: Crashes Twitter feed of any of your followers who are still tweeting about Michael Jackson.

F12: For when you're feeling mad at the world, plays five-second burst of Jeff Bezos's freakishly maniacal laugh